Just About Life #1: Parenting
Thoughts on becoming and being a parent.
Just About Life brings thoughts and learnings from different aspects of life. Remember the first rule of all Just Content: Why should I think that way?
The first rule of Just Content: Why should I think that way?
I recently found myself explaining what has curved my sense of ambition: Having children. If you’re a parent, there are a few moments non-parents can’t relate to, like when they're born and when your kid rolls over the first time. Their first word. The first time they walk. The first time they manage to take a shit in the potter—the moment you have to leave them in someone else’s care. The first time, they draw “the family”. The day they ride the bike—their first day of school.
I have found it humbling to grasp that those moments will only happen once, and there will only ever be that one time to be there for them. In contrast, you do know that many things are happening in the world that may not ensure they will have a safe future to live in, which makes you want to make a difference where you can. Striking this balance is the hardest thing any sensible, compassionate, and proud parent will ever do.
Hence, the most challenging choice I ever made in life was to divorce the mother of my children, which manifests a whole different environment to raise your kids in and is more often than not regarded as taboo you don’t talk about, so it’s hard to find guidance in how to navigate such a “setup”.
Whatever advice I share in this post is based on experience, and I can’t say I can share advice that is better than that of experts. However, I can share some small wins that have made a difference and some sources of advice I’ve found helpful over the years as a parent.
A few books that I’ve found helpful;
However, my kids will probably read this post in the distant future and say, “Nope, I don’t remember him following all the rules in these books,” to which I’ll say I did and still do try to make an effort. Also, I tell myself at least I actively try to be around and have been that which already makes a difference. Additionally, I managed to maintain a relationship with their mother that upheld respect and admiration, intending never to make it hard for the kids to choose one parent over the other. However, that is a story for another Just About Life post.
Becoming A Parent
At the age of 27, during the most untimely moment imaginable, the water broke off my first child. I still remember the moment I got the call: Second day of Slush, the world-leading entreprenurial event with 25,000 people. If Slush were the product, I would’ve been the head of the product. Most 3000+ people working for the event reported to me that year. A year's worth of work and millions of hours goes into creating an event that exists for two days.
I was eating lunch, and labor had already been on for six hours. The mother of my children hadn’t dared call me until it got intense, and she said it wouldn’t for a while still. Unable to concentrate on anything but the fact that my child was being born, I decided only to wait long enough to be able to go backstage and ask a few entrepreneurs going up on stage to talk about parenting on stage.
The interviewer, Marta Sjögren, advised me to make a Spotify playlist when I enter labor. Without the time to collate a playlist, I defaulted to a ready playlist for acoustic covers.
However, there was this moment after our son was born when the midwife walked in. I was holding my son while his mother was sleeping, and this song by Anna Puu started playing (the lyrics describe how “when God made you, he wasn’t doing anything else”).
The midwife had worked two whole shifts, going home in between, and seeing us get to that point after a 48-hour ordeal made her burst into tears, and so did I. At that moment, I got the undeniable and incurable sense that some moments in life are priceless. They both humble and inspire you.
As a white, heterosexual, cis-gender, tall male (click to see more "labels") with a voice that commands attention and who has spent enough time with people who change the world, I sometimes give the impression of arrogance. Combined with the fact that you also had to lead with an incurable optimism about tackling the impossible while operating in highly stressful environments. At Slush, we often overcame obstacles that others labeled “impossible.” However, nothing will prepare you for being a parent, and waiting to become one can be riddled with fear; “Am I ready for this?”, “Am I going to be a good parent?”.
I was privileged at the time I was expecting our first child to be able to travel the world and meet all kinds of extraordinary people. One of them was the Soh father and son duo. Dylan, a 13-year-old inventor, had been booked to take the stage at Slush Singapore. It was the same speech he gave at TedX the year prior.
I was moved and had to chat with the father and son duo backstage. We exchanged some thoughts and some after I thanked him yet again for being an inspiration, he sent me this reaction over email;
What I learnt is the children raise us, not the other way around. We mustn't kill wonder, mystery, hope and most importantly self belief. They also need to understand that we have to live within some structure, sometimes have to break it, sometimes let it develop. Mostly our role is to help them find their purpose.
- Calvin Soh
I’ve since had the pleasure of befriending the Soh family and interviewing Dylan, now 20 years old, who’s moved to Finland to live. The interview can be found in Just Thoughts #15—Mental Health and Family.
Being a Parent
Inspired by my interactions at Slush, another Stage program about when my second child was born: Meet The Helgasons, the mother of three brothers who have all become prominent figures in the Nordic Tech scene.
When Sigrud Daviddottir (the mother of the Helgasons) was asked about parenting advice, she said, “Your children are a gift that you are not to own. Cherish the time with them when you have it, for one day they will leave.”
“Your children are a gift that is not you’re to own. Cherish the time with them when you have it, for one day they will leave”. - Sigrud Daviddottir
In today’s world of infinite distractions and stressful jobs, being in the moment with your children is challenging. Even if you’re there, are you truly there? And are your children there?
We’ve set 30 minutes of screen time each day and twice on weekends, trying to teach the children to be self-aware of their screen time. One small win one day was getting them to set the tablet aside because “now my screen time is up” without screen time controls. Having this sort of habit for yourself is equally important. I often catch myself wanting to glance at the phone with the kids, and we set the example they quickly follow.
On the other hand, screens can also help educate children, in Just Culture #5 I shared how they’ve been playing a game that helped them (both) learn to read. In contrast, we visited the library at least twice every month and read at least one book before bedtime every day. Even if they always enjoyed listening to books and stories, they both prefer to read books when going to bed. It is an achievement; all credit goes to the children's curiosity, which only needs to be fed correctly.
Of course, more stories and parenting are learning to share, but maybe this is enough for now. The last thing I’d like to share as a parent is to bring it full circle. My oldest has been at more Slush “talkoos” than most active team members (pre-event workshops where volunteers gather to build props for the event). Last year, we went to Slush to sell some Boy Scout calendars—getting comfortable selling and convincing strangers to buy what you’re selling is not something they will not necessarily teach you in school.
However, there are quite a few things they do teach in school, and education in Finland is free, and child care is supported and subsidized. For that, I am grateful, as it is not granted in all corners of the world.
Future Just About Life will feature thoughts about marriage and divorce. Two events never go hand-in-hand; you can’t have the latter without the former. Hence, covered in one writing.
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