Just Thoughts #15: Mental Health and family
Essay format storytelling about my mental health problems, the measure of success and what's next.
The content in this article is “handwritten” and only co-piloted with Grammarly’s spell-checking and re-phrasing for the desired tone of voice. I’m dyslectic, so using it removes my cognitive impediments.
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Reading these thoughts, you are either inspired or not. The first rule of reading these thoughts is asking yourself: Why should I think this way?
The highlight of the week: Handboll and hanging out with the Soh family.
The free publication includes thoughts from inside a head, while the paid version has answers to questions outside of it. This week, I’m flipping the script. I’ll start with a poem, and it’s full-out free as I need your help. This week is written as an essay, pulling multiple subject into a streamlined narrative. That is no headlines, everything in one go, no revision.
Mental health heroes
“There are people all around you fighting invisible battles every day. The greatest heroes of today are not made on the battlefield. They are made in the day-by-day.”
I'll start here because this week, someone in my social circles committed suicide, and no one saw it coming. I won't go into details. That is not my story to tell. What I can do is speak on my own. The poem above describes what those struggling with mental health go through and celebrates the fact that just surviving one more day may be an extraordinary feat. Recovery is never linear; it's a curvy mess, but with the right help, persistence, and time, at the very least, one can learn how to endure.
Let's get one thing abundantly clear: if you're struggling with mental health issues, you should seek professional help. There is no shame in that; however, admitting you need help when you feel you can't talk about it requires tremendous courage. The second you should do is cut out as many stimulants as possible immediately, drugs, alcohol, name your poison. Poison includes an excess of screen time and dopamine triggers from social media.
My divorce discussion a few years back triggered a psychotic episode due to a lack of sleep that was caused by the immense stress of the situation. It led me to ask my friends to take me to the psychiatric ER and start a very tedious recovery process. The first thing that I was tested for was drugs. You can get the right help from the public sector, but you won't get it if you're a user. It's a different treatment process to get rid of addiction.
Personally, the only drug I've ever used is cannabis, and I still smoke occasionally, but those occasions limit themselves to less than three times a year. Before my psychotic breakdown, I hadn't smoked for years. The official recovery process lasted about 9-months. The process included:
Intensive care.
Follow-ups in the first few weeks.
A more extended program after the first three months.
However, this was the tip of the iceberg. Before the episode, I had already sought help from numerous therapists, and we'd gone through couples counseling for almost a year. That work results in a functioning parenting relationship with two separate units without conflict. I've shared all of this in an interview with the human aspect. They like labeling it as a story of burnout, even if I was asked at the end of the interview what I think this story is about. I answered it was a love story, but that wasn't in the final edit. Tens of thousands of people have now viewed this story, and looking at it today, I'm running through so many emotions during the interview that I'm not being consistent in my storytelling.
Clinically, some doctors would diagnose it as burnout, others something else. Personally, it started with finding fulfillment and acceptance in the presence of a person outside my marriage. Combine that with an outlet for your feelings and a demanding work environment while sprinkling your life with two small children, and you have a recipe for a life crisis a few decades before people usually have them.
I found it necessary to tell my story my way, and I also find it therapeutic to rewrite it as life goes on. I write when I need more energy or am not interested in doing anything else. I've written letters, posts, poems, scribbles, etc. I'm here writing for the same reason. It's obsessive and therapeutic. Only now have I consistently delivered content for fifteen weeks straight.
Here's my writing from some months ago. We created a wedding gift for my friends with my partner by taking instant photos of different moments during the party and asking the people in the pictures to share a few words about the moment. We then made an album of poems constructed with the words shared and the photos of each moment for every page in the album. After the creation, I reflected on the following;
In business;
My words are the weapon
and my head is the holster.
If you can’t see the words
I’m busy writing.
In Friendship;
My words are the light
and my voice is the beacon.
If you can’t see the light
you’re not paying attention.
In love;
My words build walls
and my pen is the tool.
If you can’t find the gate
Look for what is not being written.
—
In Business, Friendship, and Love
My heart is the source, and pain is the reason.
Writing helps the pain go away.
When there is no longer pain,
there is nothing left to write.
Does this mean I'll stop writing when there is no pain? Likely not. I'll write for joy, for love, for hate and anger; I write because, in writing, I find flow. Have you seen the Disney movie Soul? That kind of flow.
What about my mental health these days? Varying, I may burst into tears upon a recollection of memory, and sometimes, I will burst into uncontrollable anger triggered in a way I don't know where it's coming from. However, only those close to me will see the extremes. Nonetheless, I've had tears rolling down my cheeks, having looked strangers in the eye while passing them in the streets.
On the very bright side, I have quit nicotine altogether, as well as coffee drinking. Nicotine is something I've used for most of my adult life. I thought I couldn't talk about mental health issues if I were addicted to something. The thesis is simple: at gunpoint, threatened with losing your life if you consume it, you will be able to control your addiction, but not your mental health issues. In contrast, a brighter way of approaching the ordeal is knowing that in the right environment, studies have proven that mice cease drugs when presented to them freely.
Combine this notion with Wittgenstein's philosophical thought, which states that happiness is simply a matter of perception and interpretation of one's world; any circumstance will become your ability to find its silver linings. Although this may be harder in some circumstances than others, ultimately, it will still be a subjective experience. Regardless of the circumstance, the most powerful way to achieve this is to express gratitude deliberately. Being grateful for what you have and not resenting what you don't.
Not neglecting sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet are crucial to maintaining and regaining mental health. I've found ice swimming to be tremendously effective, especially during winter colds, without the support of a sauna. Having your body heat itself, without external heat, gives you a serotonin kick; you won't get by just taking a cold shower. Furthermore, TRE works as a pre-emptive stress reliever. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night with my mind rising because I don't have time to process everything when I'm awake. TRE will force the unconscious stress in my body out before it interrupts my sleep.
Finally, there is nothing like spending time with family and friends, having the type of friends and family that take the time to ask how you're doing. To support you when you need them. Around who you don't feel ashamed to talk about what you're going through when you need it. You don't need to share everything with everyone; I may have taken that to extremes, but share what you're going through. You'll be surprised about the struggles others share in return. People are prone to act with compassion over neglect. That is intuitive regarding human nature, something I can attest to by personal experience.
Consider adding something about purpose here, as described by the blue zones. However, purpose can be about something other than a fulfilling mission, as it can pursue your interests even at an old age with your family. That is what makes the Soh family so inspiring.
I first met the father and son duo in 2016 when I was expecting my firstborn, Noa. Dylan, the son, had been booked as a speaker for Slush Singapore. Their combined energy on stage made me want to explore their philosophies on life. Years have passed, and we’ve kept in touch. This past week, I got invited to a family dinner, then later participated in the pop-restaurant Grandma Soh hosted. Grandma Soh, 80+ years old, has hosted Airbnb experience dinners and has now decided to take the concept abroad, visiting those who have visited her. I was traveling with the whole family.
Additionally, we went on a live discussion with Dylan and Calvin to discuss parenting, generational biases, and the implications of AI in the world of tomorrow. Watch the recording on LinkedIn or YouTube. I was also happy to say my son finally got to meet the family on the weekend of father-son time. Here’s Noa and Dylan bonding over not being interested in what Calvin has to say.
Alongside meeting the Soh family, we attended the Finnish outdoor championships in Handball, the Sjundeå Cup. As a former basketball player, I used to joke, "As long as my kids play basketball, I don't care what they do," because I thought I wouldn't like to watch any other sport from the side of the field. I'm happy to say handball is quite entertaining, and learning a new sport this way is revolutionary.
Furthermore, some sports are more time-consuming and expensive. Something many parents factor in when choosing sports. However, what makes handball unique, being a marginalized sport, is the sense of community. It's big in the places where it exists, often smaller municipalities, and the "everyone knows every" type of place. To bring the divorce story to a full circle, I am happy to acknowledge that we watched a few handball games with my son's mother, his new "bonus dad," and "bonus grandmother" from my partner's side.
During the divorce process, I wrote the following
Success is being you
Your measure of success
Is something you need to define
Otherwise, you'll never know when you've crossed the line.
You'll keep running, sometimes in the wrong direction.
You need to realize this to make a correction.
Money, fame, health, power, friendship
Whatever you choose
Don't let it compromise you being you.
My measure of success becomes the quality of the relationships in my life during the process. I may or may not have the best relationships with the ones close to me at any given time, but I have very few I’ve left behind and connections across the world from all walks of life.
I may not have achieved a significant amount of monetary wealth; quite the contrary, I’ve risked it all, finding myself in situations at the age of 35 with two kids when I’m at the counter trying to pay for my groceries without being able to and not knowing who you dare to call in that moment to help you out as you feel so ashamed. As an entrepreneur, you need to be able to endure the uncomfortable. Miki Kuusi recently described something in the Futucast podcast, which I feel was one of the best interviews. He talks about situations where you don’t know how you’ll pay your salary the next month. That was me many months ago.
Nonetheless, pursuing what you think is right and your passion still trumps risking feeling regret at the end of the road and spending time with entrepreneurs in multiple domains, from artists to carpenters, tech billionaires to self-thought consultants. Doing what you love and having ambition is priceless. Life is too short for “what ifs” and “maybe”.
For me, that is publishing a book worth reading, and because most book release events do little for the audience, we’re creating an art exhibition. Finally, our usage of AI and its moral implications will define the next few decades of human progress. We might take this to wherever an audience wants to provoke what AI's impact is within art and business. We might also be taking it to where we find creators asking themselves, “Why should I create if AI can do the same as me?”.
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